The library is, for me, punctuality’s greatest weakness.

Especially Auckland’s public library, a carefully laid, intertwined system of so many books in so many libraries dotting so many corners. I can’t seem to sweep my gaze from east to west without spotting a library.

They call to you.

They ease your bike into the slot and lock it. Lead you to cradle the door handle and push. Brushing you inside was the hard part; now you am imprisoned in the gazes of so many book spines.

You’ve only got twenty minutes before you must catch the train?

You’ll only spend a bit of time, just to get out of the rain?


You will spend as long as we tell you to.

The library pools into your soul and switches curiosity to full power. Suddenly you, voraciously, want to learn everything. Nay, it is not desire; it is need.

The Ancient Grecian Art of Primrose Harvesting? Yes, you would like to learn about that, please.

Forty-Four Ways to Tell if Your Cat is Gay? Felines can be homosexual?

Knitting with Dog Hair? You’ve got loads of that at home, that would save you from so much vacuuming.

Body Builders in Tutus? What?! There are no pictures! Just a collection of marketing advice essays. Phillipp Lomboy, you dog.

How to Avoid Huge Ships? You can see how this knowledge would be useful.

The Do-It-Yourself Lobotomy: Open Your Mind to Greater Creative Thinking? You doubt Rosemary Kennedy would agree a lobotomy is best for creative thinking.

Cooking with Poo? Oh! The world-renowned Thai chef Khun Poo.

Extreme Ironing? Written not by a woman, you see.

If God Loves Me, Why Can’t I Get My Locker Open? Devotional for Teens? If any title could scream first world problems as loudly as this one, you would be surprised.

Everything I know About Women I Learned from my Tractor?–

Suddenly the loud speaker issues, bouncing around “the library-will-be-closing-in-ten-minutes.-Please-proceed-to-the-checkout-counter” and reminding you that you were supposed to meet up with James and Gillian three hours ago and you’re also forty minutes late for your babysitting gig.

There’s an unfortunate connotation surrounding the library; it’s for people with no friends and no life and no job. This connotation exists because it is the truth. It’s hard to have friends or a job because the library is a great cephalopodan monster from Outer space.

Thanks, pal.

See you again soon. 


Peace and Blessings,



1 Comment on “Squiddy Library

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