Dear Sir or Madam Who is Currently Seated Behind Me,

I would like you to know that the vertical pieces of metal reinforcement upon which your converse-clad feetsies are “gently” resting carries the tiniest vibrations from your shaking legs and oscillates them into my soul at roughly 500 times the velocity.

I would like you to either tap rhythmically, thereby encouraging a good song-pairing, or cease your tapping all-together. The latter would be preferable.

I would like you to know how hard it is to pay attention with the vibrations from your appendages.

I would like you to look down at your feet, then glance at what they are resting on, then notice the earthquake-cadence you are producing.

I would like you to see my hair blowing in the wind of the quake. I would like you to see my quivering obliques struggling to counterbalance the roller coaster. I would like you to see that the notes I am taking are side-ways and upside-down and vertical and squiggly as a result of my currently penduluming body.

I would like you to notice that I have casually hiked my feet out in front of me and have used them to propel myself outside of your reach.

I would like you to not exude that grunt of frustration as your shoes clunk to the earth, the resting spot suddenly unavailable for purchase.

I would like you to not also propel yourself forwards. I would like you to not regain your footholds against the undercarriage of my sensitive perch; to not regain your leg-shaking inertia.

I would like you to notice the little teeny tiny side glances full of shade that I am pitching to you from around my right shoulder. I would like you to appreciate how subtle I am being relative to how annoying this experience is.

I would like you to know that I am a woman of many chances, that I am willing to extend friendship again despite this hiccup in our current status of interreacting human beings.

Above all: I would really like you to stop.

But not to apologize, because then I would turn to you and I would give you my biggest smile and laugh, patting you warmly on the arm saying, “no worries, really! Didn’t even feel it!” because I know that you know: passive-aggressiveness is king.

 

Peace and Blessings,

Josie

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