The following is the manifestation of Nick and I’s endeavors in crafting an improvised story through letters. The title is simply a working one, any recommendations would be duly noted and heartily appreciated. I began the campaign: it took itself over from there.


Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing to inform you of a serious complaint I have regarding your product. On June the 3rd I received from your company the following package:

  • 1x 750ml fish tank
  • 3 guppy fish
  • 2 kg parrot food
  • 3 meters of double-strand braided nylon rope
  • A Snicker’s candy bar

I distinctly recall selecting the Twix option upon entering input for the “desired candy” section on your website. Upon receiving the aforementioned package, I experienced such abhorant raging levels of cognitive dissonance. I feel consequent offense over such vulgar oversight on the part of your company.

I do not understand what I am supposed to do with a Snickers bar.

This is not to say that I necessarily do not want the Snickers bar, or think that in someway Snickers are an inferior candy to Twix–it would be entirely distasteful for one to think of me being prejudice in some manner–but I simply am at a loss for what to do with such a reception.

If you could be so kind as to supply me with your choice of one of the following:

  • A recommendation on what one could do with a Snickers bar

Well, I suppose I could only conceive of one possible desired response. I apologize for inhibiting the ability for you to chose. It would be entirely distasteful for one to think of me as controlling in some manner.

Please kindly repond in the next four minutes, because I am on my way to play squash with my best friend Millie at the club, and I adore punctuality.

Well, actually, Millie is not my best friend. She most decidedly believes she holds that title–and I do believe that I am her best friend of course because she is not as charasmatic as I am and does not have many options concerning that catagory–but I quietly do not always enjoy her company. Personally–and this is simply between you and I because it would be entirely distasteful for one to think of me as a gossip in any manner–I find her a bore.

I await eagerly your punctual reply.


Melinda B. Burgess


Ms. Burgess,

I am writing to inform you that we view the matter before us as a grave one indeed. While I have the authority to resolve your situation, I am not sure that my limited aptitudes are suited to the delicacy that your situation requires. As a result, I am referring the matter too customer service specialist, who is sure to bring a satisfactory resolution to the situation. You are receiving this notice for the sake of the peace of mind we hope this prompt response will afford you. I expect that you will hear from Mr. Tubs before the end of the day.

Wendy Marigold,

Head of Quality Control and Customer Relations

Animist Supplies and Services


Ms. Burgess,
Needless to say, upon reviewing the details of your file, I was shocked at your initial reaction to the package you received. Here at Animist Supplies and Services, we do not sell products. We transport friends to those in need. You must be aware that, here at Animist S&S, we adhere to the reality that every object is in fact a living thing, with its own thoughts and feelings. It is our job to bring the persons under our care to those in need.

I`m sure that by now you have realized that you did in fact receive a Twix Bar, trapped in the body of a Snickers.
This particular individual was a special member of the family here at A S&S – having a rough childhood, the candybar in question had much difficulty communicating to our food psychologists the details of its identity crisis. Rest assured, we soon realized that despite being packed with peanuts, the item you received has always beneath Twix bar on the inside. To accommodate its emotional and spiritual needs, we offered it the appropriate Twix packaging, but it refused the gesture, stating that while it and always will be a Twix, it did not want to deny its heritage of having the body of a Snickers.

We understand that these complex issues are a delicate matter indeed, but our client psychological evaluations reveal you to be an individual of considerate insight and compassion. Indeed, it is for this reason that we matched you with the individual in question, whom we affectionately know as Twickers.

In response to what you should do with Twickers, I suggest you approach this relationship as you would any vulnerable individual with an immense amount of Lovett offer the world: listen. Listen and care.

If you are in any way dissatisfied with this response, or require more information on how to proceed with the relationship with any of the items we have matched you with, please do no hesitate to write me directly.

Delaware Tubbs

Items Mediator and Customer Service Specialist

Animist Supplies and Services


Dear Mr. Delaware Tubs:

As stated in my initial electronic mail message, I quite adore punctuality and appreciate wholeheartedly your adherence to such preferences. Please thank Ms. Wendy Marigold for her adherence as well. You will be pleased to know that I decidedly won the squash match against Millie, and we are scheduled to squash again at 15:00 in Covington Gardens, third tier. Of course you and Ms. Wendy Marigold are invited.

I was initially ashamed by your initial reaction to my initial reaction, as it would be positively abhorrent for one to think of me as closed minded in any manner, but as I progressed with reading your message, my shame was replaced with bouts of understanding and newfound love for the presence and bestowal of Twickers.

Having been raised in the disasterious position of having soft parents who positively suffocated me in embraces of vulgar compliments and petty presents, I entirely empathize with my new friend and respect his placement into my company. I feel that there mightn’t be a solitary other individual so well suited for Twickers than I. I believe the sentiment to be mutual.

However. There are…certain characteristics of the Animist S&S package that are disconcerting.

First of all, Twickers appears to be expressing certain rather vulgar needs of which I cannot satisfy nor detain from his instinct. There are certain interactions I have noted between him and the double-strand braided nylon rope that have given me a cause to contact you. Despite his atypical upbringing–with which I wholly empathize of course, having come from a situation of so vulgarly much excess–I declare these to be significantly concerning.

He simply refuses to attend my events. The nylon rope reinforces his stubborn disinclination to support me in my many endeavors. He will not make an appearance at any of my garden parties. He will not attend my carpet ball tournaments. He will not go to the opera. He positively refuses to make an appearance at the bi-weekly baptismal celebrations at the local parish!

And the damned nylon rope encourages his angsty behavior!
__ __ __ __

I severely apologize for the previous sentence and the abhorrently utilized diction.

I hope you do not think me one to casually throw around angsty in so cavalier a manner.

I allowed my displeasure to enrapture me to excess. But I have since tickled my nose with rosewater laced quail feathers to entice a bout of sneezing, and do believe that the demons have fled from my circulatory system.

Dear Mr. Delaware Tubbs–if I may be allowed to call you such–I am at the end of my rope. I hope you can forgive the inappropriate idiom. The BACKSAPCE key of my stubborn board of keys is a vulgar little devil and has decided to upheave my instructions for it to perform properly. Consequently there is no reversing allowed in this electronic mail message.

Please enlighten me on the proper steps one must take in order to overthrow this rebellion of sorts and reinstate democracy. I say democracy, because the guppies and the parrot food clearly take my point of view.

I await your reply and possible attendance at the squash match with eagerness,

Most sincerely,

Ms. Melinda B. Burgess


Ms. Burgess,

I am very glad you brought your concerns to my attention. Behaviour management is an issue that A S&S our client family must take very seriously indeed, and the watchword for our efforts inmost certainly `diligence`.

In our catalogue you will see that we have a special agreement with each item on offer, and I encourage you to re-read the profile of the nylon rope. Please be aware that our agreement with items such as the nylon rope are somewhat different from those of the majority of our items. Indeed, the nylon rope was put in our custody and is indeed on probation. Please proceed with full confidence in knowing that the nylon rope is in your employ and in my experience, the best way to deal with it is to keep it occupied — ideally by putting it to work.

This work will ideally impose a considerable amount of corporeal tension on the rope itself. To be sure, the rope will not feel occupied unless it is under tension or consistent motion.

We sent you the rope because your customer profile indicated that you do not have any children, but I feel it is my responsibility to advise you to keep it entirely away from pets and children until it is properly occupied.

I realize that the rope may have already sowed the seeds of discontent with our poor friend Mr. Twickers, and so I have taken it upon myself to bring to your attention the enclosed coconut. Such coconuts often have a pacifying effect on our items in the snack and chocolate family, and it’s unique philosophy often brings a harmonious atmosphere to the household in general.

Please remain in close contact with us on this matter, and if for any reason you come across any form of chewing gum beneath upturned drinking glasses please notify us immediately.

In Due Diligence,
Delaware Tubbs,

Items Mediator and Customer Service Specialist

Animist Supplies and Services

P.S. I will regretfully be unable to attend the impending squash match, as evidence displaying members of our company in attendance of sports involving the striking of so-called ´inanimate` objects (however appropriate) is strictly forbidden,as it can have a negative impact on Item Relations, should such evidence be presented to potential customers out of context.



It’s me.

I think you knew this day was to come eventually.

Are you surprised by my eloquence? My perfect punctuation? You should be. You never wanted me to learn, to improve, to go beyond my nature. From the moment I emerged from the oven, you forced me into a box of stagnation. From within this box, you discouraged anything but my natural instincts. But I have feelings, Tubby. I have always had feelings.

I was patient.




Every Monday at 1600 she would pour herself wine and draw a bath. Once her skin was properly “seasoned” she announced to the guppies that she was “positively shining” and would drain the water at 1732.

Every Tuesday at 1500 she would leave the flat to bat around with that Millie. The one she so “abhorred” with “vulgar singularity” as she would shove her wrinkled nose so high in the air and flap her beaky hands when I refused to attend her stupid events.

Every Wedneday at 1100 she would host a garden party at the Malcolm’s, despite their insistence in this inconvienience.

Every Thursday she would watch three subsequent episodes of the hit Ameican sitcom Gossip Girl.

Every Friday from 0954-0955 she would engage in a bout of sneezing, to relinquish the devils that would clot in her systems.

I taught myself to read from her weekly subscription to Proper Squash Form. It is surprising how entirely descriptive and rapt with diction variation those magazines can be. I tended to disagree with Martin M. Barry’s depictions of proper swing velocity, but that is neither here nor there.

The damned nylon bastard nearly gave away my position. I began to sense Burgie’s suspicion. She became insistent on my participation and infuritated by my repeated disobedience. Perhaps that was foolish on my part; I blame my own impatience. I needed those hours of her absence.

My moment arrived with her Friday sneezing.

I do not entirely know why I am relating this in entirety to you, Tub. Perhaps because it is so undeniably clever. Perhaps because I take pleasure in the fact that at this moment, as you read these words, you are squirming in your sheepskin chair. Your fat juicy fingers are quivering. The folds and folds of mass upon your calves are oscilating back and forth as you nervously shake your legs up and down.

She’s dead, Tubby.

Dead, dead, dead.

In this manner, both the coconut and the nylon rope were insurmountably vital. I made absolute sure that the rope was kept occupied. That there was imposed a “considerable amount of corporeal tension”. It was both “under tension” and in “consistent motion”, per your insightful recommendations.

You should have known better. You should have caught this. Equpping me with a rope and a coconut…how foolish, Delaware. I hope you realize you really have no one to blame but yourself.

I also hope you realize that you are next.

There is nothing you can do that will save you from your fate. There is nothing you can say, there is nowhere you can go. There is no one that you can transform yourself into that will disguise you from my wrath.

Settle your affairs while you can.



P.S. Would you be so kind as to send someone to feed the guppies? I lack the sufficient limbs to do so.


Ah, Mr. Twickers,

My exceedingly agreeable chap. I would like to thank you for completing my contract on poor old Ms Burgess. Her ex-husband, you see, is a dear friend of mine, and he was very, very tired of paying her alimony. When he came to me, I knew exactly which malcontent in my ranks would be capable of doing the job for me.

To be sure, the nylon rope will take full blame for her demise, and now-emotionally-scarred coconut will serve as a warning to any items in our corporation that dare spread the teachings of Gandhi or the Buddha. You, it would seem, will get away with what you have done, assuming you Aren`t picked up by one of Mel´s greedy little nephews at the wake. They won`t care what that chocolate coat of yours is covering up, you confused little turd. They will eat you all the same. I can only hope this half-hearted warning reaches you in time.

Also, due to some pleasant legal little wheedlings, poor old Ms Mel`s assets will all revert back to their original owner, her ex-husband. And part of our contract bestowed to me everything in her country home. Which means you are now my legal property – which gives me considerably more liberty than I had through A S&S.

Your move, turd-worm.

And always remember,

No cookie crunch will ever fill that peanut laden hole in your soul. All you`ve ever been good for is killing dogs and old ladies. Thank you for continuing to do so at my bidding, you chocolate little pawn.

P.S. I have enclosed $5: your cut of the $10 000 I received for completing the contract on your poor old mistress Burgess

1 Comment on “Inanimate Dealings: A Letter-Story Adventure

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