Here we interrupt the excitement of reading Freud’s proposal of Psychoanalysis (on my end, not yours) to give some clarifications on what makes a pigeon a badass.
Wait. Strange choice in adjective.
No no, that’s not a real word.
Upstanding moral citizen?
Hmm–a bit too far right.
Let’s just let pigeons be themselves. The phrase “to pigeonhole” exists for a reason; they really are sensitive concerning objectification.
Number one concerning my defense of pigeon-kind: they suck way less than crows.
Crows are freaking horrendous. They come at you with mighty scraggly wings of black torment, ready to pick the skin off your flailing body.
I know crows are intelligent, they contribute to life, they can read and write, and to some of you whoozits, they are cute. Which is why this post is not titled “Why Crows Suck”, because they don’t. They just suck more than pigeons.
Pigeons appeal to the part of my being that shrieks to stroke something shiny.
Pigeons put the “lol” in “hello” as they bobble around with their tiny heads.
Pigeons don’t have any set stride-length or pace, which I find to be comfortingly analogous to my own brain functioning.
As I write this, I just witnessed a pigeon speed up, slow down, speed up again, abruptly stop, turn around in three full circles and then speed off in another direction.
If that isn’t directly metaphorical to how I write research papers, I don’t know what is.
One can do anything one likes around a pigeon. They don’t give a shit about your strange fetishes and habits as a human being. Well, literally, yes they do. And constantly. But metaphorically, no.
I’ve been leaning against this thick tree reading words like “penis-envy” for the last hour, and I have drunken, so far, a liter of coconut water.
My pigeon buddies don’t bat an eye.
Do pigeons have eyelids?
Instead, they keep me company, pretending to be cats and purring in strokes of gutteral release. Goodness, there’s something about watching pigeons that makes me want to pack up my socks and shoes and go watch Goodfellas.
It’s also satisfying to watch a lumbering yellow lab barrel towards a group of clustered pigeons, and scatter them all. I know you know what I mean here.
Plus, people love them. If they didn’t, why would photographs like this exist, huh? Explain that:
And pigeons inspire art like this beauty on imgur from paulfkwalsh:
If you would take a glance back at the title of this post, you might recollect an initial thought that the “MAD” of “MAD Pigeon Respect” stood for some sort of acronym, and what could it be, and how will it be developed, and how exciting!
And if you weren’t thinking those things, don’t feel guilty; but please do take the next few days to sharpen your subconscious skills.
The truth of the matter is that my snazzy I-accidentally-bought-a-German keyboard autocorrected Mad to MAD and then me and my many personalities just went with it. Don’t feel bad, but do be more observant.
And maybe today take the time to thank your local pigeons, who, as it currently stands: suck less than crows.
Peace and Blessings,